totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
