I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
