I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
