note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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