between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
