the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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