Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
