he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
