I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
