The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
