he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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