would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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