I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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