And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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