White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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