Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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