I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
