there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
