ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
