i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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