You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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