I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My feet surprised me
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