Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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