my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
