She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
