Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
