so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
