I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
