What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
