is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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