i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
