If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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