I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
