On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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