Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
