we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
