Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
They have beer where we have blood.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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