he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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