I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
