forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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