She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize