i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
