My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
