If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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