I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
