Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Watching her eat just hurts me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
