So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
