I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
