WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
no, he came in my armpit
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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