bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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