i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
