Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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