Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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