Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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