I just pynch a tree in the face
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
