Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
