just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
