alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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