i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
