id be glad to
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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