Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
