y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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