I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
