My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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